The first thing you need to know about Mike Kabbani is that his Facebook page’s profile picture features him standing with the head guru himself, Tony Robbins.
With all respect to Tony Robbins, this should probably be your first clue that you shouldn’t be giving Mik your money. The best thing I can come up with to describe this maneuver is that it’s the business douchebag equivalent of virtue-signalling.
Who is Mike Kabbani, and what does he (claim to) do?
According to his own Facebook page, Mike Kabbani is… who knows? There’s nothing on there about him, other than
… okay then. This isn’t good.
Apparently, Mike’s main gig is as the founder of Swole Personal Training. I assume he helps people grow their muscle mass. And now, in his spare time, he helps people grow their monthly income – perhaps he’s switching industries after taking one of Sam Ovens’ bullshit courses.
Finding the EBook
A Facebook ad (pictured below) led me to a landing page where I could download a supposed fountain of wisdom on how to get my bank account as swole as I’ve always wanted it to be. No… needed it to be. I’ve decided that like other millennials, I deserve nice things.
One of the first pieces of advice Mike Kabbani offers in “The 7 Secrets to 7 Figures” ebook is the following:
Studies have shown that coffee and high energy music improve LEARNING SPEED and RETENTION. Hint hint!!
Spoiler alert: the rest of the book is just as fucking ridiculous.
I’m going to let the book mostly speak for itself here, although out of respect for the concept of intellectual property, I’m not going to share too much.
Apparently, he ‘discovered’ this incredible method of getting rich after some random-ass dude handed him $10,000…
And this style (including centered text, varied font sizes, and hyped-up faith-healer rhetoric) continues for the whole. Fucking. Book.
Check out this groundbreaking piece of advice, where he shares with you how customers are the reason that businesses make money, AND that businesses place a high priority on getting more customers.
The “7 Secrets” he promises to share are basic consulting and sales advice that can be found pretty much anywhere else (see: anyone else ever featured on this blog). Hint: you have to choose a niche for your services. Geez, nobody’s ever told me that before.
Anyway, as you can imagine, Mike’s got something to sell. And if you’ve read any other post on this blog, you’ve probably guessed that it’s a course on how to become a rich Facebook Advertising Consultant Guru.
But, inexplicably, instead of just dropping people into the funnel and giving them a limited time offer, Mike forces you to sit through some bullshit quiz (link here) that takes ten minutes to complete – at least.
At the end of some self-indulgent “survey”, which is really just clicking “next” for ten minutes, Mike offers a brilliant course for $997.
Now, this is a ridiculous amount of money to charge someone if you’re a meathead with 98 LinkedIn connections and no proof whatsoever that you know what the fuck you’re talking about… but since the TOTAL VALUE of what Mike is offering is $85,478 (what the fuck?!?!) I guess we’re getting a pretty awesome deal.
Personally, I would rather fill a small swimming pool with $20,000 worth of soy sauce, since it would be a more impressive monument to the futility of life.
Mike Kabbani, you are a fake-ass douchebag…
and you should go fuck yourself!
Nobody gave me $10,000 to tell you this, I am just doing it out of the kindness of my heart
Unbolded regular text for visual balance.